the fitzgerald armies!

i am really excited to lead worship in a few days for 24. just the whole thought of coming together for the sake of inspired music and illegal vocal harmonies puts me over the edge. Geiheiheiheihiehiehiehiehiehiehie
sometimes i don't feel like i'm going anywhere-- with God, my friendships, etc. etc.
and it makes me feel a little helpless, and a little bit dumb.
is it a commitment thing---an issue of discipline?
I like to make people laugh, because i like the feeling that joy brings in its unpredictability and empowering. it strengthens, and at the same time weakens tension, lightening the moods of uptight bureaucrats.
I wish i could be a stand-up comedian like my brother. he's got a constant stream of humorous comedy coming to his mind and he delivers it so well. it's all in the timing. but I'm glad to be just the way God intended me to be, and yet i still want to change for the better--I want to go to a place that's better, figuratively.
Is is because I'm not content? Partly.
Yes.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I'm happy with today, not anxious, and thrilled to see my God in his glory and rising.

Newness

A new start.
It's time to depart,
what's to lose?
I want to choose
something fresh, in this stillness.
A new start.

John Habibi just got back which is good, because I consider him my other half. when he's around there' no telling what will happen, or what will be said. All i can remember is a bunch of laughter, a few unintentional racist jokes and some new inside comedy.

Luke should be back tomorrow! that's good, because Luke is much better than John--i'm testing to see if ur reading this John, just kidding--Everyone's special in their own way. So speaking of new starts, everyone's talking about going hardcore with dieting and exercise. Cool I guess. i want to do that too. more importantly, i want to start this sem. off right with my classes, my relationships, and most important Jesus. I want to spend long hours in conversation with the creator and i want to soak in h is pressence.

so we're watching Apacalypto right now, so i need to stop and watch the half-naked native Mayans chase after their families and kill their friends.

Newness.

...Breeze of Air

So I'm back from WI and I'm back from the amazing OneThing retreat in Kansas City, MO. God really spoke to me there and I am so glad I went. I also have been learning a lot of what God is raising up before his return--a generation wholeheartedly serving him through global day/night prayer and fasting. Sounds pretty extreme right off the bat but those that are earnest about serving Christ can be promised so many good things.

I had to write out my testimony for a form I'm filling out to be a counselor next summer. So I thought I'd put it out here as well.

A testimony is always changing as life goes on and so it’s refreshing to be able to write it out to this point and time, including my future hopes and dreams. I accepted the Lord when I was young when I was with my parents and I grew up in a typical mid west Christian home.

Life as a young Christian was uneventful other than what took place in my life at church and home and the daily grind. But something happened that wasn't supposed to happen. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I was really scared for her. I have three younger sisters and our mom was very dear to us so the thought of losing her filled me with a great deal of fear and insecurity, not knowing what tomorrow would bring. She pursued all sorts of treatments from natural medication, surgical operations, radiation and then the worst of it, Chemo.

As the years went on, her health declined dramatically and life could be defined as a roller coaster because of the little victories that would last for a few moments and then be replaced with something else going wrong with her health. Now four years into this battle, her lungs began filling with fluids and she was frequently in the hospital and then put on oxygen. I trusted in Jesus to heal her and to do a miracle—this was my daily prayer. However the Lord had something else in mind because it was mid May, Mothers Day had just past and the week was progressing. It was then that she could feel the Lord calling her home but it did not seem right. I could feel myself asking the Lord, why are you doing this? How could you take something so precious away? It was then that he led me to a verse that I took great comfort in. It’s in Zephaniah 3:17 and it says “The Lord is mighty to save and he takes great delight in you. He wants to comfort you with his love and rejoice over you with singing.”

It was a time full of memories during those last few days; holding on to every moment spent with her in that little room next to our dining room. The presence of the Lord could be felt in that room when she told us things that we needed to hear and that she loved us. I remember choking down tears and trying to be brave but seeing my mom go was almost too much to handle. But God was there and his love could be felt. When she passed away there was a peace came over our family and the knowledge that God’s will had been carried out was there.

Just leaving the eighth grade and now being in a single parented home were just two of the reasons life wasn’t going to be easy. On top of that my relationship with my father was not good. We just did not get along and I grew up stoking a hatred for him because of the way he treated me. I wanted him to show me love like my mom had done and when that didn’t happen I would rebel and not submit to his sometimes unreasonable demands. After my sophomore year of high school, the real fights broke out and anger brewed in my heart towards this man. At the time my dad faced severe depression and was hospitalized for a week because of it. Underneath it all he simply was grieving the loss of his wife.

I continually felt pushed away from my dad and especially because when arguments went sour and sometimes physical, he would send me out of the house to live somewhere else. I resented him because of this. He remarried a year later to Deb and her two sons and daughter and I had the privilege of now having a brother, Josh, who soon became my closest friend. It wasn’t too long after high school that I was pushed away from the family again. It was the only way for my dad to deal with the problem without actually dealing with it or me. I was forced to find some way to live before the holidays began but the Lord provided everything I needed: free housing, a loving church, a job and friends. My heart was still bitter towards my dad but I buried that for another year. An opportunity for schooling opened up and I went to Evangel University to pursue my dream of becoming a filmmaker. A semester after that I had to come back to work and pay off debts so that I could come back. I worked very hard at a warehouse and a side restaurant job. I took part in ministry by leading a drama small group and making ministry films at my church where I got to take on a leadership position that really challenged me.

In May of 2008 I was invited to start coming to a Monday night prayer group that met and spent the evening praying and worshiping the Lord. What happened there radically changed my life as a man of God. I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit that night as some friends prayed over me and I was filled just like I had seen in scripture. I fell deeply in love with Jesus on a level that I had never known before. I could feel myself growing to be more of a leader to my friends and then something miraculous happened. I began forgiving my dad for all the pain he had caused me. We’re told to forgive but for whatever reason it is not stressed enough in the church because all around me, young and old, there are people who have something against someone in their lives. The summer came to an end as I was just about to leave for college and I traveled over to my dad’s house asking for the spirit to fill me as I would say the words I needed to say. He did. And I told my dad that because of the bitterness in my heart I’ve been unable to love him and I prayed a prayer of blessing over him. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he couldn’t believe this was happening. This was a milestone in my life—a moment that proved that God can answer prayer.

For the first time in my life, I have felt an unreal amount of love for that man, my father. It makes me so excited knowing that this can happen and that when we ask for things, he is faithful. This fulfilled Ephesians 4:32 where it says, “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” This is my story—my testimony, up to this point. I want to seek Jesus out and fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting gin the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

Snow

So I'm back in my old cubicle at Praise Fellowship church in Sheboygan, WI. More snow has piled up from the last blizzard last night and it's going to be a white Christmas. I got a drama ready for tonight at church. Yesterday I came in making styrofoam flats for the set that are now clouds on stage. It looks good, and now I'm working on a video series which I'm going to shoot in basement for some kids conference. that should be fun.

It's really good to be back in town and see familiar faces which I have not familiarized myself with in a long time. for instance, just the other night at the hookah bar i saw a friend (but not at first) because his orange beard hid his identiy very very well and when i finally recognized him, after an awkward moment of hesitation, I ran over and gave him a haven't-seen-you-in two-years hug. Pristine!

It's good to see the Ottens and be back in their house again, and last night I saw a bunch of buddies from high school. It's just good to be back. I even have had the opportunity to eat dinner with my dad and talk for a few hours. Many good things were said.

Did i mention it snowed....cuz it did. A LOT! I love snow regardless of how many people get seriously injured on the road--who cares about them! Let it snow! Good stuff...good stuff

Late Night Nap Comp

So you know its the end when you're taking late night naps starting at 10:30 pm to compensate for sleeplessness. I'm ready to go (It's 1:25)! One more day and I'm going to WI. I'm pretty pumped.

I really want to become a school bus driver in my lifetime--along with that, a camp counsellor--another one of my dreams. No, but I'm really serious about the one, I'm not just saying this for kicks and giggles. I want to drive a school bus driver and I've wanted to since I was young. I picked up an app for the Springfield school dept. although I can't start until I get my CDL which I have to be 21 to get, which would be in February. I think I'm gonna go through with it though because I'm dedicated to finding a way to maket his happen!

I wanna be that guy who the kids all like and can't wait to say hi to in the morning. The "coolest" driver ever. The one the kids parents make an additional Christmas card for and tuck in the kids bag saying, "give this to your bus driver, that special person. He's so nice!" ...WELL, enough fantasy there, I really hope it happens now!

I also really want to be a camp counsellor next summer. I'm gonna apply!

Regretless

Why should I live with regrets?
Why should life pull me, attached with strings, through the mud?
I guess I'm feeling a need to embrace God and hold to that relationship.
in Timothy somewhere it says to not forget about the gift that God gave you when you were prayed for, implying there is continually something more than just an initial spiritual high and then it's a done deal. I believe God wants us to chase him into a jungle of uncertainty, a very wild place, and keep hungering for unmentionable good fruits and my favorite, eggnog.
Why should we give up this fight? This plight? Lose Sight.
I've been through an interesting experience in the last month, and I'm learning about what relationships are all about and what they're not. It's been a cold, dark place that scarcely draws light on any deserving areas of passion.
I think love can be shared through honesty and being quiet--these are forms of wisdom.
So what I'm really craving is to become wise and still be small enough to call God my daddy. That is who he is after all, and I forget that he loves being that and that I mean so much to him. I've abandoned my daddy so that I can feel good about myself and keep a good image.
Why must I?
Why am I refusing to leave this little clearing that exposes the sky, deep within the dense jungle foliage? This place where I am right now, it's lacking adventure and devotion to my journey to a greater place. I get so caught up in what good fortune has fallen in my lap, and I dismiss my best friend Jesus so that I can bathe in the temporary highs of today as the stars in the clearing come clearer into view.
Lets leave this circle of ridiculous wonderment--my feet are sticking to the ground and my stride is slowed and the take off is slow. But I'm heading out into the dimly lit woods, so that I can chase my Lord into continually strange places--which bring fulfillment and healing from aches.

Almost...

It's almost time to take a break and begin eating extensively...and then there's the leftovers. Thanksgiving! How great can it get? Well, pretty crazy I guess. I pulled in and am sitting in what to me is heaven: a (now) 24 hour coffee shop. How amazing is that. On my way I drove past a building that caught my eye, I pulled into the adjacent dark alley way and slipped on my black gloves. I got out of my car and approached the skeletal, metallic fire escape stairway that hung off the 4-5 story building and I begin climbing till I reached a difficult gated ladder which didn't keep me from reaching the roof. Once there I stood before the beautiful Springfield cityscape and drank it in. I love being where I can see it all, it makes me feel so little and puts everything into perspective. I just did my custom television show which I worked my butt off for. I wanted to do something no one has ever done (like always) which drives me into excessive video producing/editing and little to no sleep and continuous captivity at the TV studio until morning came and I was pretty much ready to go. It went great! My newly friend, Phil, helped me big time with music and being a musical guest. He was hilarious and I really respect the guy for putting what he did into my project and hoping I would get an A which I think I got. It put me behind on my thirty page script which I intend to finish now at this coffee shop through the night. I'm scared, I feel like a failure for being late with it. This is unacceptable.

I got the opportunity to talk with someone very special to me, and it took a turn for the better. I'm learning a great deal in being a better communicator. I'm learning. I was gifted a carton of eggnog--my first of the year! I'm so pumped, I drank like half of it but it was so nice to wake up from a nap and be given something like that. I love eggnog, cottage cheese and a strong cup of coffee--not all together--but I love it indeed. Anyway... I can't wait to see my aunt Trixi, she's a hoot-'n-a-half!

A.D.D.

I can't think of anything I'd want more than to be a cleaned up version of a little business agent but my ADD--self-diagnosed attention deficit disorder--prevails over all my attempts to do what I want to do: succeed. But what I'm doing now is an exception to it all and that is I'm listening to George Winston piano music while writing a blog about having ADD. That's totally cool because at least I'm confronting the problem that I have and what's more I'm listening to George Winston.
I want more than anything to be guided by the heartbeat of God rather than being contstrained by my emotions that take me along in winding circles.

I want to be free.

I love what life offers me here. Acceptance, friendship, food, fun times, Binaca breath spray, and all the other perks--but I'm leaving out the fact that I'm not offering the world something that I no doubt could be offering it, excellence.

I try to get sleep but it usually comes in coma-forms whereas I'll be going for a jog and then I'll take a break and lean against a tree and fall asleep there for eight hours. That's eight hours I could be pulling an overnighter with. Last night I fell asleep on my couch watching some shots I took which is way less cool-sounding than a jog. The truth is, I haven't taken a jog in almost a month, sad but true. I want to make something of this little life I have and I want it to be big and important. I want it to be like, "Hey God, look at me here! Hey daddy! Look--look what I'm doing with my life. Are you looking at me, God? Isn't this cool. I then want God to look down at me and just smile for a little bit and then burst out laughing. And I don't want the laughter to end and I want to laugh right along with him until we can't laugh anymore. Then I want him to be like, hey Zach, lets go get some coffee.

Today's the Day

It's Halloween, but that's not in particular what I'm excited for. My fam should be arriving shortly...Mal's staying the weekend and I get to see my little sisters and dad for a little bit this morning. This is really important to me. I just cleaned my room and stuff. People keep leaving their shoes in here whenever they come and visit me...I'm like stockpiling them and then i think when i collect a sum total of at least 360 pairs I'm going to build some sort of memorial out of them and mainly to honor those feet which have lost their outer covering--itlll be beautiful!

Sitting here Fascinated

So I unerstand, sir, it's been a long time since I've written
but please don't grab a sorry kitten
to be bitten
is to be smitten.

I think the reason I haven't written a blog in such a long time is because I'd probably be clogging the arteries of Cyber space with poetic retardation like that and I don't want want to offend the minority races.

Life has really been a challenge yet rewarding too. I don't feel sometimes I'm really challenging myself to the fullest academically, but I do feel something astounding is blossoming in my life and that intrigues me into seeing its beauty.

I love the life God's given me!
I just got done reading Donald Miller's newest To Own a Dragon- reflections on growing up fatherless- and to my astonishment, God's been fathering me all along this journey before I could even walk. Pretty cool. Just the other night I was broken down to pray and lift up my father, the real-life one who has invested his life and love into my life in some way and I am now really feeling a healing sensation from God which makes me want to love him in ways I never knew I could love him. To be quite honest, it freaks me out b/c I shouldn't be naturally having those urges to love him after what grief and the painful scenarios he's caused me. Does he know this? He may or may not. He can only know what he experiences and his father has caused him a lot of grief and confused pain. Anyway I feel excited to see him when he comes down to visit me Friday and I miss my sisters a lot too.

I think writing can really help to unravel the mixed up pieces in the background of our consciousness. And I think writing can sooth the soul and quench our thirst for concrete understanding of emotions.

I like saying the phrase "Cinco de Mayo es my muy favorito holiday" because it makes me feel to legit too quit and that's important an important step towards fitting into society's complex placement scenarios.

Sitting here motivated---

I am so overwhelmed right now because of a friend of mine! His name is Jewish but his mission statement is as white as it ever will be.

Everyone must visit this myspace.com page to hear the most beautiful electronica ever known to man, right here:

http://www.myspace.com/hearuskillthemic

Anyway, Luke is the man! He told me he had been playing with different things on the piano over the summer during his free time but when i visited his page I was stunned! i can't believe how amazing it sounded, it was like professionally done. whether or not he reads this little snippet or not matters not, but the truth is I praise God for him. It is something else when a guy who loves the LOrd creates something with a passion and puts it out so others--anyone can experience it! I sit here motivated and encouraged and just excited by his work as a musician!!!

the Adventures of John Doe

So John Doe rocks! let me just say that for starters.

I got together with this kid named Jon Back who I went to high school with and because he's such a character (more interesting than what the usual person would expect when you say "character"), but yeah, this guy is a trip. I asked him if I could make a mini-series about him that we could call "The Adventures of John Doe" and post on youtube and make millions of people obligate themselves to delve into the crafty dramatic sequences of his life--being lived out of a dugout for a home and who never leaves the baseball diamond. He encounters certain people who try to interfere with his normal living but he dauntlessly puts them in their place without so much as a grunt and a "ehhh" noise.

We sat down and I typed out this script on my lap top while asking him what he'd say in these specific situations. He fed me lines that he'd say and I madly recorded them all and we ended up with three written episodes. Last week Tuesday we got out there to Field of Dreams and began haphazardly shooting from my church's Sony HD in a cinéma-vérité style which is gonna kill me to edit. I wish I could throw up a clip preview but I know they'll come soon--very soon!

We shot the last of it last night while doing a night shoot (which I had never done). I brought out a lighting kit with a blue gel and about a thousand feet of extension cords. This guy named Randy Hendrikse who is in his mid-sixties and who has a killer deep voice (I've used him to do voiceing for some other projects) came out and played the security officer who confronts John Doe on his living on city property. I was laughing so hard I could barely hold the camera. Oh well, now I've got to get to work on this thing. Kevin (the Bully) and I got together yesterday morning to write music and lay down a mucical soundtrack. We plugged in his guitar and a keyboard and went at it. should be fun once this thing's out! this is how I spend my time! Making mini-series like Marvin O'Connery and so on and so forth. I'll probably end up like one of those 5o-year old unshaven men who live by the river parks and wear Goodwill pants, smoke cigars, ride a rusty bike, and do community theaterfor a living--or at least I hope not.

Coming soon: The Adventures of John Doe

So I had all these ideas of things I wanted to write about. No lie, all these ideas and now I can't think of any. I go to this thing Monday nights at some people's house called The Prayer room and we just hardcore worship and sing and dance and pray with everyone all together. Why is it my favorite thing of the week? Well when you put a bunch of people in a room who for the most part want desperately to see God do something powerful, well he ends up speaking and i end up leaving feeling really loved and filled up again.

i told my sister to get her crew over there and sure enough her Bible study that she leads now comes and it is so cool to see them there. I really like playing the piano and i like to sing and i like how we just make up songs as we go constantly keeping the flow with ins and outs and continuations of other songs intertwined with fresh new ones. i can't think of a more fun way to worship God.

just a few more weeks and I'm going to go and get off to school. that i am really excited for. I'm not so pumped up about working at freshbrands and doing the same thing over and over and over--the same thing since february and at a breakneck 14 hour shift! it's gruesome! but with my bad performance as of late, i may end up just getting fired at the same time i would end up leaving for escuella! Whatever, either way God's given me a great way to make ends meet and i praise him for that. i still believe he's going to do great things before i leave and that's all that matters! my heart's in this thing for him so let the games begin (english accent).

yeah, i did this show thing at church called What's the Buzz? in the new TV studio I built in the basement. it was fun making all of it. it was fun writing up the show and getting it to be incorporated into the worship service where it would inform people of what's going on. brent, my media guy boss decided it wasn't going to fly to much longer though. (not because i swore during it and told dirty jokes)---(no i didn't do that either)...but because he thought it was too long and got things off track. i was offended. I thought my work was overlooked and i felt down about the whole thing...then i decided a few weeks later to talk to him and when we talked i totally felt so much better, like i meant something. he was like Zach, I know you put in a lot of hard work into these things. And he told me how he liked how I did this and that and i told him I forgave him and we moved on. Anyway, here are some clips...

(more more) Blue Like Jazz. part III

Okay, so it started downpouring just this morning and I was just going to go shower...but something about lots of rain coming down and usually your not supposed to have fun like that in the rain all by yourself, but I did. I ran out there to the street which was filling up with water and then bolted back inside to dry off. Yes, I am going to actually take a shower b/c I forgot my shampoo out there.

Here's the last of my favorite BLJ quotes here!

Blue Like Jazz quotes

And that's when I realized that believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is like making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon. (104)

Here is the trick, and here is my point. Satan, who I believe exists as much as I believe Jesus exists, wants us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reasons. (100)

The trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. (107)

I had this idea once that if I could make Christianity cool, I could change the world, because if Christianity were cool then everybody would want to deal with their sinful nature, and if everybody would want to deal with their sin nature then most of the world's problems would be solved. (107)

If you believe something, passionately, people will follow you. People hardly care what you believe, as long as you believe something. I told the radio host that I would rather talk about Jesus and how I came to believe that Jesus exists and that he likes me. (115)

For me, the beginning of sharing my faith with people began by throwing out Christianity and embracing Christian spirituality, a nonpolitical mysterious system that can be experienced but not explained. (115)

For so much of my life I had been defending Christianity because I thought to admit that we had done any wrong was to discredit the religions system as a whole, but it isn't a religious system, it is people following Christ, and the important thing to do , the right thing to do was to apologize for getting in the way of Jesus. (118)

The churches I attended would embrace war metaphor. They would talk about how we are in a battle, and I agreed with them, only they wouldn't clarify that we were battling poverty and hate and injustice and pride and the powers of darkness... The truth is we are supposed to love the hippies, the liberals, and even the Democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of Jesus. (132?

I think there are artists at a lot of churches who don't have an outlet, and by creating an outlet, the church gives artists a chance to express themselves and in return the church gets free stuff to put on their walls. Relationships are like rubber bands...when one person pulls away, the other is attracted, and when the other person pulls away, well, that just draws the other one even closer. (140)

I think if you like somebody you have to tell them. It might be embarrassing to say it, but you will never regret stepping up. I know from personal experience, however, that you should not keep telling a girl that you liker her after she tells you she isn't into it. You should not keep ridding your bike by her house either. (142)

People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn't like me. (143)

Marriage is amazing because it is the closest two people can get, but they can't get all the way to that place of absolute knowing. (146)

When I was in love there was somebody in the world who was more important than me, and that, given all that happened at the fall of man, is a miracle, like something God forgot to curse. (151)

No drug is so powerful as the drug of self. (182)

Because I grew up in the safe cocoon of Big-Christianity, I came to believe that anything outside the church was filled with darkness and unlove. (209)

The problem with Christian community was that we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in the Christian community, but it was conditional love. (215)

I was tired of biblical ethic being used as a tool with which to judge people rather than heal them. (216)

If a person senses that you don not like them, that you don not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say. (220)

I loved the fact that t wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval. (221)

I have come to understand that strength inner strength, comes from receiving love as such as it comes from giving it. (232)

I think the most important thing that happens within Christian spirituality is when a person falls in love with Jesus. (237)

I know our culture will sometimes understand a love for Jesus as weakness. there is this like floating around that says I am supposed to be able to do life alone, without any help, without stopping to worship something bigger than myself. (237)

I think Christian spirituality is like Jazz music. I think Jesus is something you feel. I think
it is very difficult to get on paper. But it is no less real, no less meaningful, no less beautiful. (239)

(more) Blue Like Jazz. part II

I'm going at it again with some more quotes from the book here. Lesson learned: when you give a mouse (or me) a cookie (or a highlighter), he'll want to drink some milk (highlight the entire book like a yellow-book warrior)... Anyway, yeah. This book is great, I recently ordered a new book by Miller but dumb eBay is taking forever to ship!!! I'm not an impatient American, no, I'm just all about (ahem) promptness.

Blue Like Jazz

It all sounded so very witless to me, but by this time I wanted desperately to believe it. It felt as though my soul was designed to live the story Christian spirituality was telling. I felt like my soul wanted to be forgiven. I wanted the resolution God was offering. (35)

Christian spirituality was not a children's story. It wasn't cute or neat. It was mystical and odd and clean, and it was reaching into dirty. There was wonder in it and enchantment. (35)

She also thought that if Christianity were a person, that is all Christians lumped into one human being, that human being probably wouldn't like her. (44)

They felt they had to sell God, as if He were soap or a vacuum cleaner, and it's like they really weren't listening to me, they didn't care, they just wanted me to buy their product. (46)

I always thought the Bible was more of a salad thing, you know, but it isn't. It is a chocolate thing. (47)

Love, for example, is a true emotion, but it is not rational. What I mean is, people actually feel it. I have been in love, plenty of people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. (54)

I figured all this was God's fault. I thought that if God would make it so I felt convicted all the time I would never sin. I would never get drunk or smoke pot. (63)

I think the things we want most in life, the things we think will set us free, are not the things we need. (63)

And that's the tricky thing about life, really that the things we want most will kill us. (77)

I was in that same phase of trying to discipline myself to "behave" as if I loved light and not "behave" as if I loved darkness. (79)

The first of the exploits to go was the Bible. It wasn't that I didn't want to read it or didn't agree with it, I would just forget. (80)

The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all we need to obey him in return. (86)

Our behavior will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. (86)

I felt as if believing in God was no more rational than having an imaginary friend. (87)

I read through the Koran before it was even popular. It never occurred to me that if Christianity was not rational, then neither were other religions. (87)

I don't have so many problems with Muhammad, but I have problems with middle-aged white guys who grew up in America claiming Muhammad as a hero, not because Muhammad never did anything good (he did), but because calling Muhammad a hero is such an incredibly trendy thing to do. (90)

I understand why people wear crystals around their necks and why they perform chants and gaze at stars. They are lonely. I'm not talking about lonely for a lover or a friend. I mean lonely in the universal sense, lonely inside the understanding that we are tiny little people on a tiny little earth suspended in an endless void that echoes past stars and stars and stars. (92)


Here is this guy using Islamic verbiage to make himself look spiritual, and yet he really hasn't researched or subscribed to the faith, as it presents itself. He's just using it. Raping it for his own pleasure. (93)

I knew Christ, but I was not a practicing Christian. (94)

I have become an infomercial for God, and I don't even use the product. I don't want to be who I am anymore. (97)

That is the thing about giving yourself to God. Some people get really emotional about it and some people don't feel much of anything except the peace they have after making an important decision . (100)

Blue Like Jazz

I have decided, after reading one of the greatest books ever, to put down some quotes straight from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, non-religious thoughts on Christianity. I have never identified so well with a book more than this one. It strikes a chord in me, and since reading it in January, I have felt compelled to get copies for great friends that I love--they deserve to read the same.

Anyway, I'm just gonna stop rambling on and put out some quotes. this may take a few blogs but bare with me...

BLUE LIKE JAZZ quotes:

In light of the earthly representation of the role, why would God want to call himself father? Seems a marketing mistake. Why would anyone want to call Himself Father when so many fathers abandon their children? (4)

If something nice happened to me, I thought it was God, and if something nice didn't, I went back to the slot machine, knelt down in prayer, and pulled the lever a few more times. (9)

I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God. (13)

I didn't love God because I didn't know God. (14)

It was as if we were broken, I thought, as if we were supposed to feel those sticky emotions. As if we were cracked, couldn't love right, couldn't feel good things for very long time without screwing it all up. (14)

He said that when we are watching television our minds are working no harder than when we are sleeping. I thought that sounded heavenly. I bought one that afternoon. (15)

I think every conscious person, every person who is awake enough to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems on group think, an humanity, and starts to face himself. (20)

Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me. (22)

I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror. (23)

It is a pretty good idea to make noises when you are at a play. (27)

Everybody wants to be fancy and new. Nobody wants to be themselves. (29)

If there was a guy who just liked being himself and didn't want to be anybody else, that guy would be the most different guy in the world and everybody would want to be him. (29)

I pictured my pastor as a salesman or a magician, trying to trick the congregation into believing Jesus could make us new. And, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself as though he only half believed what he was saying. (29)

I felt as if Christianity, as a religious system, was a product that kept falling apart, and whoever was selling it would hold the broken parts behind his back trying to divert everybody's attention. (30)

The rebellion against God explained why humans experienced conflict in their lives, and nobody knows of any other explanation than this. (32)

Christianity offered a decision, a climax. It also offered a good and a bad resolution. In part, our decisions were instrumental to the way our story turned out. (33)

And perhaps, I was judging the idea (making a decision to follow Jesus), not by its merit but by the fashionable or unfashionable delivery of the message. (33)

I never liked it when the preachers said we had to follow Jesus. Sometimes they would make him sound angry... I liked the idea of Jesus becoming a man, so that we would be able to trust Him, and I like that he healed people and loved them and cared deeply about how people were feeling. (34)