the fitzgerald armies!

i am really excited to lead worship in a few days for 24. just the whole thought of coming together for the sake of inspired music and illegal vocal harmonies puts me over the edge. Geiheiheiheihiehiehiehiehiehiehie
sometimes i don't feel like i'm going anywhere-- with God, my friendships, etc. etc.
and it makes me feel a little helpless, and a little bit dumb.
is it a commitment thing---an issue of discipline?
I like to make people laugh, because i like the feeling that joy brings in its unpredictability and empowering. it strengthens, and at the same time weakens tension, lightening the moods of uptight bureaucrats.
I wish i could be a stand-up comedian like my brother. he's got a constant stream of humorous comedy coming to his mind and he delivers it so well. it's all in the timing. but I'm glad to be just the way God intended me to be, and yet i still want to change for the better--I want to go to a place that's better, figuratively.
Is is because I'm not content? Partly.
Yes.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
I'm happy with today, not anxious, and thrilled to see my God in his glory and rising.

Newness

A new start.
It's time to depart,
what's to lose?
I want to choose
something fresh, in this stillness.
A new start.

John Habibi just got back which is good, because I consider him my other half. when he's around there' no telling what will happen, or what will be said. All i can remember is a bunch of laughter, a few unintentional racist jokes and some new inside comedy.

Luke should be back tomorrow! that's good, because Luke is much better than John--i'm testing to see if ur reading this John, just kidding--Everyone's special in their own way. So speaking of new starts, everyone's talking about going hardcore with dieting and exercise. Cool I guess. i want to do that too. more importantly, i want to start this sem. off right with my classes, my relationships, and most important Jesus. I want to spend long hours in conversation with the creator and i want to soak in h is pressence.

so we're watching Apacalypto right now, so i need to stop and watch the half-naked native Mayans chase after their families and kill their friends.

Newness.

...Breeze of Air

So I'm back from WI and I'm back from the amazing OneThing retreat in Kansas City, MO. God really spoke to me there and I am so glad I went. I also have been learning a lot of what God is raising up before his return--a generation wholeheartedly serving him through global day/night prayer and fasting. Sounds pretty extreme right off the bat but those that are earnest about serving Christ can be promised so many good things.

I had to write out my testimony for a form I'm filling out to be a counselor next summer. So I thought I'd put it out here as well.

A testimony is always changing as life goes on and so it’s refreshing to be able to write it out to this point and time, including my future hopes and dreams. I accepted the Lord when I was young when I was with my parents and I grew up in a typical mid west Christian home.

Life as a young Christian was uneventful other than what took place in my life at church and home and the daily grind. But something happened that wasn't supposed to happen. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I was really scared for her. I have three younger sisters and our mom was very dear to us so the thought of losing her filled me with a great deal of fear and insecurity, not knowing what tomorrow would bring. She pursued all sorts of treatments from natural medication, surgical operations, radiation and then the worst of it, Chemo.

As the years went on, her health declined dramatically and life could be defined as a roller coaster because of the little victories that would last for a few moments and then be replaced with something else going wrong with her health. Now four years into this battle, her lungs began filling with fluids and she was frequently in the hospital and then put on oxygen. I trusted in Jesus to heal her and to do a miracle—this was my daily prayer. However the Lord had something else in mind because it was mid May, Mothers Day had just past and the week was progressing. It was then that she could feel the Lord calling her home but it did not seem right. I could feel myself asking the Lord, why are you doing this? How could you take something so precious away? It was then that he led me to a verse that I took great comfort in. It’s in Zephaniah 3:17 and it says “The Lord is mighty to save and he takes great delight in you. He wants to comfort you with his love and rejoice over you with singing.”

It was a time full of memories during those last few days; holding on to every moment spent with her in that little room next to our dining room. The presence of the Lord could be felt in that room when she told us things that we needed to hear and that she loved us. I remember choking down tears and trying to be brave but seeing my mom go was almost too much to handle. But God was there and his love could be felt. When she passed away there was a peace came over our family and the knowledge that God’s will had been carried out was there.

Just leaving the eighth grade and now being in a single parented home were just two of the reasons life wasn’t going to be easy. On top of that my relationship with my father was not good. We just did not get along and I grew up stoking a hatred for him because of the way he treated me. I wanted him to show me love like my mom had done and when that didn’t happen I would rebel and not submit to his sometimes unreasonable demands. After my sophomore year of high school, the real fights broke out and anger brewed in my heart towards this man. At the time my dad faced severe depression and was hospitalized for a week because of it. Underneath it all he simply was grieving the loss of his wife.

I continually felt pushed away from my dad and especially because when arguments went sour and sometimes physical, he would send me out of the house to live somewhere else. I resented him because of this. He remarried a year later to Deb and her two sons and daughter and I had the privilege of now having a brother, Josh, who soon became my closest friend. It wasn’t too long after high school that I was pushed away from the family again. It was the only way for my dad to deal with the problem without actually dealing with it or me. I was forced to find some way to live before the holidays began but the Lord provided everything I needed: free housing, a loving church, a job and friends. My heart was still bitter towards my dad but I buried that for another year. An opportunity for schooling opened up and I went to Evangel University to pursue my dream of becoming a filmmaker. A semester after that I had to come back to work and pay off debts so that I could come back. I worked very hard at a warehouse and a side restaurant job. I took part in ministry by leading a drama small group and making ministry films at my church where I got to take on a leadership position that really challenged me.

In May of 2008 I was invited to start coming to a Monday night prayer group that met and spent the evening praying and worshiping the Lord. What happened there radically changed my life as a man of God. I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit that night as some friends prayed over me and I was filled just like I had seen in scripture. I fell deeply in love with Jesus on a level that I had never known before. I could feel myself growing to be more of a leader to my friends and then something miraculous happened. I began forgiving my dad for all the pain he had caused me. We’re told to forgive but for whatever reason it is not stressed enough in the church because all around me, young and old, there are people who have something against someone in their lives. The summer came to an end as I was just about to leave for college and I traveled over to my dad’s house asking for the spirit to fill me as I would say the words I needed to say. He did. And I told my dad that because of the bitterness in my heart I’ve been unable to love him and I prayed a prayer of blessing over him. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he couldn’t believe this was happening. This was a milestone in my life—a moment that proved that God can answer prayer.

For the first time in my life, I have felt an unreal amount of love for that man, my father. It makes me so excited knowing that this can happen and that when we ask for things, he is faithful. This fulfilled Ephesians 4:32 where it says, “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” This is my story—my testimony, up to this point. I want to seek Jesus out and fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I have been crucified with Christ. I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting gin the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)